About Yesterday

I can recall some few months back when my friend Ifiokabasi Naomi recounted her ordeal with some 419ners. She said they used the same old approach about being foreigners and having foreign goods to sell. I was among those that said 'Can't they bring up another method?. We're tired of that particular trick'.
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I'm all in for the whole 'respect your elders' thing. I respect people. I respect people who respect themselves even more. And more importantly, I respect myself for respecting people. I greet my elders (Some of them). I greet random people too. I could see you walk by, take an instant liking to you and just greet you for no reason. If i see a pregnant lady, a mature man or a seriously old person, i greet them. Respect. But the main point is, I greet people depending on my mood at the moment. If I'm not happy, or I'm feeling grumpy, you could walk past me three times and I would not say a word no matter how pregnant or seriously ancient you look.
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On this day, it happened that I left home feeling really grumpy. On the way I was just thinking to myself, what has gotten me so pissed, but I couldn't place it. So I shrugged at the thought and was like, fine, at least I don't get to greet people I don't actually like all in the name of Respect. I got to the tarred road, stopped a keke, got into it, my grumpy old self looking straight ahead without a glance at my co-passengers, so I would not be coaxed into greeting them. I reached into my bag, brought out my phone and then it hit me. My phone was the cause of my grumpiness. I can recall it mysteriously went off in the course of my taking a selfie and would not come on no matter how hard I pressed the power button. So I removed my battery, said a silent prayer, wiped the terminal nodes(i dunno what they call it) of the battery on my dress all the while muttering silently to myself, 'you can't do this to me, not now when I need you the most, what are lovers for'?. And I placed the battery back, pressed the power button and Voila, it came on. Then I turned to look at my co-passengers.
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Two men. The one sitting next to me was dressed like he had no idea what to put on. He wanted to portray himself in this I-need-to-look-good kind of way, mixing crazy colours and crazy patterns together and I just sat there thinking 'I understand bro, the economy is crazy'. The other guy, was dressed like he just escaped from Kanye West's fashion show, dressed in dirty brown and constantly moving his legs till I noticed his shoes. Nice brogues, bro. My phone was done getting itself together, so I gave it my full attention, swiping my screen left and right.
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I noticed the Kanye West guy poke the Crazy patterns guy. I did not look at them. But you know as much as I do that God blessed us with peripheral vision, the ability to look at things from the corner of your eye. I thought to myself, ah, so this two actually know each other. I heard the crazy patterns guy clear his throat and I just sat upright knowing fully well he was about to start a boring conversation. I waited, heard nothing, and continued with my phone. Just then his voice broke the silence. He had a hoarse, rough voice, the voice of someone who takes too much undiluted gin, and I recall thinking to myself-this man should try covering Beyonce's drunk in love (I've been drinking, I've been drinking)-he smiled at me and started.
Him: Good day my friend.
Me: (nods).
Him: I noticed you have a problem with your phone.
Me: (thinking to myself) Is this the maga that God has sent my way?.
Him: I have something that you will like. I have a company that deals in electronics. I am my own Boss. And right now, there are vacancies for 200 people. All you need to do is come for an interview. Luckily, you are the first person I'm talking to about this. My office is along Idoro road. When I look at you, I see a young girl who needs money and knows wat to do with it. I have your interest at heart. We can discuss the pay if you follow me to the office. I won't take much of your time.
Me: (thinking to myself) Seriously?, you just crammed everything on your script and poured it here for me. I wonder how many days it took you to memorize that.
Him: You're not saying a word. I know you're thinking this is too good to be true, but I promise you, I can't tell a lie. This is one of the shareholders in my company. He's from Togo.
At this point, I told myself, this drama couldn't get any more better. When he heard Togo, the Kanye West guy looked up at me said 'Bonjour'. And I was like, haba, your part in the script was the shortest. You have been cheated.
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I was still quiet. I do hear of people recount their ordeal in the hands of 419ners, of how mysteriously you'll vomit a pair of cow teeth if you take part in their conversation, and that, after that you will be jazzed hence losing control of your thinking ability. I dunno how true this is, but frankly, if such thing came out of my mouth I'm not sure I'll make use of this particular mouth again, so I held myself and just kept on staring and smiling.
The man was in a fix. He turned to the Bonjour guy and made a gesture with his hands, like he doesn't know wat else to say. If he knew sign language, I bet he would have tried signing right there and then because I practically looked like a dumb girl at the moment.
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The keke man could not even wait to download his own part of the script. He started:
Him: Sister, na wa for you o. U no like better thing?. Fine girl like you suppose dey rush this opportunity. Idoro road no far, Abi make i just turn for this U-turn?
The 'U-turn' he was referring to was close to Ukanaoffot street. At this point, I realized I really had a situation to handle, I was like, 'Mercy wipe that silly smile off your face and think straight. Oh my God, how do I get out of this keke without touching the driver and without saying a word?. Fix this, Lord'.
The 'Bonjour' guy started speaking in some crappy language and I was like 'Really?, is that supposed to be French?. You need to go back to that imaginary Togo'.
I saw a traffic warden ahead of me, I knew within me our lane was going to be the next to be stopped, my guess was right. Once we were stopped, I grabbed my bag and the Olodo phone that had started all this nonsense talk, I got out of the keke, crossed over to the other side of the road without a second glance at them and started trekking home thinking to myself 'Omoh, to go school no be by force, Let me rest for today, lest someone else tries to use my head. I am my own boss, with his nonsense dress sense. Why didn't they stick to the old foreign goods 419 stunt, would have saved me a lot of time. Why do things like happening to me sef?'. I used my tongue to count my teeth just incase there was a different alien pair attached somewhere, I told myself I'm walking home, after all Abak road is not that far from IBB and a little stroll won't hurt nobody. I had not walked up to 5minutes when I finally gave in and stopped a keke. I made sure it was empty. To hell with 419ners. I'm not walking the walk.
Have a wonderful evening FAM.