About Last Night

I was having a conversation with my brother, when all of a sudden I felt sharp contracting pains in my abdomen. Oh my God, I was in labour, and no one was home. I told my brother to pack a few of my belongings into a bag and accompany me to the hospital. Where was my mom, I thought?. She's supposed to be here, her first daughter is about to bear her a grandchild and she's nowhere to be found. And then I remembered, she is sick and is in the hospital, well, I better meet her there.
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I went out the door and started walking down the street with my brother, one hand on my belly, protecting the bun in my oven from reckless drivers who swore and cursed my slow pace, couldn't they see I was pregnant?. But then, a car stopped, a good Samaritan ushered me in saying 'Madam, let me drop you at the hospital'. I thanked him for being too kind, got in after my brother, glad there existed people who still did good for others, I didn't mind the fact that the good Samaritan was driving recklessly too. All I wanted was to get to the hospital on time.
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At last, I arrived at the hospital, the famous UUTH, as I stepped out of the car and thanked the driver, my water just broke, and knew I had to get to the maternity ward without delay. I met my mom outside, coincidentally, and she directed me to where I would be assisted. I met a nurse there and saw some other ladies who had just put to birth, they were all sleeping, but had this plastered grin on their faces, like they had just gone through the most interesting ordeal of their life. I watched them with awe, as I too could not wait to plaster a grin on my face.
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I walked up to the nurse.
Me: Ma, my water just broke.
Nurse: Okay, you are set for labour. Do you have a card?
Me: What card?
Nurse: A hospital card. Is your card this one with the number 596-593?
Me: No, I mean, I don't know. I don't have a card.
Nurse: Okay, go and buy a card. Its #300, and you better hurry up else you will have to undergo a Caesarean Section. Or do you prefer an episiotomy?
Me: Let me think of it while buying the card.
I left to tell my mom about what happened and she scolded me for not agreeing my card was the one with the 596-593 number so I could go into the maternity ward in time, I left her anyway, and proceeded to join the queue.
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On the queue, I was wondering, a CS and an episiotomy. If I undergo a CS, I wouldn't have to go through the pain of pushing this baby out, I'll just lie there under the influence of anaesthesia while the surgeons do the work, the only time I'll feel pain is when the effect of the anaesthesia wears out. But not to worry, I can deal with that if I take the prescribed drugs. Or will I even be given drugs?. On the other hand, an episiotomy, no, no way. The pain of childbirth is enough on its own without some surgeon cutting my perineum. What a nerve. I recalled to mind a friend of mine who related how she had to sit on hot buckets of water just to heal. No, I couldn't go through that. I certainly couldn't.
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Having made up my mind, I bought the card and made my way back to the maternity ward. Where in the world was my brother?. Oh my God, did I just feel a kick?. I had better hurry. But wait, I had another option, one that required no pain at all. How could I not think of it, how forgetful I could be some times. Yes, i had another option, No Cesarean section, No Episiotomy. All I had to do was wake up, this afterall, is a dream. And so, with a jolt, I woke straight up, looked around, bed, window, curtains, I was in my room not a maternity ward. I felt my stomach, flat and empty, I heaved a sigh of relief and took a look at the time on my phone, 5:08am. I got out of bed and headed to the kitchen to occupy myself with some chores, lest I mistakenly fall asleep and find myself back in that dream in the maternity ward with the option of choosing between a CS and an episiotomy.
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Dreams are imaginative events seen in the mind while sleeping.
Good morning FAM.

About Yesterday

I can recall some few months back when my friend Ifiokabasi Naomi recounted her ordeal with some 419ners. She said they used the same old approach about being foreigners and having foreign goods to sell. I was among those that said 'Can't they bring up another method?. We're tired of that particular trick'.
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I'm all in for the whole 'respect your elders' thing. I respect people. I respect people who respect themselves even more. And more importantly, I respect myself for respecting people. I greet my elders (Some of them). I greet random people too. I could see you walk by, take an instant liking to you and just greet you for no reason. If i see a pregnant lady, a mature man or a seriously old person, i greet them. Respect. But the main point is, I greet people depending on my mood at the moment. If I'm not happy, or I'm feeling grumpy, you could walk past me three times and I would not say a word no matter how pregnant or seriously ancient you look.
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On this day, it happened that I left home feeling really grumpy. On the way I was just thinking to myself, what has gotten me so pissed, but I couldn't place it. So I shrugged at the thought and was like, fine, at least I don't get to greet people I don't actually like all in the name of Respect. I got to the tarred road, stopped a keke, got into it, my grumpy old self looking straight ahead without a glance at my co-passengers, so I would not be coaxed into greeting them. I reached into my bag, brought out my phone and then it hit me. My phone was the cause of my grumpiness. I can recall it mysteriously went off in the course of my taking a selfie and would not come on no matter how hard I pressed the power button. So I removed my battery, said a silent prayer, wiped the terminal nodes(i dunno what they call it) of the battery on my dress all the while muttering silently to myself, 'you can't do this to me, not now when I need you the most, what are lovers for'?. And I placed the battery back, pressed the power button and Voila, it came on. Then I turned to look at my co-passengers.
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Two men. The one sitting next to me was dressed like he had no idea what to put on. He wanted to portray himself in this I-need-to-look-good kind of way, mixing crazy colours and crazy patterns together and I just sat there thinking 'I understand bro, the economy is crazy'. The other guy, was dressed like he just escaped from Kanye West's fashion show, dressed in dirty brown and constantly moving his legs till I noticed his shoes. Nice brogues, bro. My phone was done getting itself together, so I gave it my full attention, swiping my screen left and right.
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I noticed the Kanye West guy poke the Crazy patterns guy. I did not look at them. But you know as much as I do that God blessed us with peripheral vision, the ability to look at things from the corner of your eye. I thought to myself, ah, so this two actually know each other. I heard the crazy patterns guy clear his throat and I just sat upright knowing fully well he was about to start a boring conversation. I waited, heard nothing, and continued with my phone. Just then his voice broke the silence. He had a hoarse, rough voice, the voice of someone who takes too much undiluted gin, and I recall thinking to myself-this man should try covering Beyonce's drunk in love (I've been drinking, I've been drinking)-he smiled at me and started.
Him: Good day my friend.
Me: (nods).
Him: I noticed you have a problem with your phone.
Me: (thinking to myself) Is this the maga that God has sent my way?.
Him: I have something that you will like. I have a company that deals in electronics. I am my own Boss. And right now, there are vacancies for 200 people. All you need to do is come for an interview. Luckily, you are the first person I'm talking to about this. My office is along Idoro road. When I look at you, I see a young girl who needs money and knows wat to do with it. I have your interest at heart. We can discuss the pay if you follow me to the office. I won't take much of your time.
Me: (thinking to myself) Seriously?, you just crammed everything on your script and poured it here for me. I wonder how many days it took you to memorize that.
Him: You're not saying a word. I know you're thinking this is too good to be true, but I promise you, I can't tell a lie. This is one of the shareholders in my company. He's from Togo.
At this point, I told myself, this drama couldn't get any more better. When he heard Togo, the Kanye West guy looked up at me said 'Bonjour'. And I was like, haba, your part in the script was the shortest. You have been cheated.
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I was still quiet. I do hear of people recount their ordeal in the hands of 419ners, of how mysteriously you'll vomit a pair of cow teeth if you take part in their conversation, and that, after that you will be jazzed hence losing control of your thinking ability. I dunno how true this is, but frankly, if such thing came out of my mouth I'm not sure I'll make use of this particular mouth again, so I held myself and just kept on staring and smiling.
The man was in a fix. He turned to the Bonjour guy and made a gesture with his hands, like he doesn't know wat else to say. If he knew sign language, I bet he would have tried signing right there and then because I practically looked like a dumb girl at the moment.
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The keke man could not even wait to download his own part of the script. He started:
Him: Sister, na wa for you o. U no like better thing?. Fine girl like you suppose dey rush this opportunity. Idoro road no far, Abi make i just turn for this U-turn?
The 'U-turn' he was referring to was close to Ukanaoffot street. At this point, I realized I really had a situation to handle, I was like, 'Mercy wipe that silly smile off your face and think straight. Oh my God, how do I get out of this keke without touching the driver and without saying a word?. Fix this, Lord'.
The 'Bonjour' guy started speaking in some crappy language and I was like 'Really?, is that supposed to be French?. You need to go back to that imaginary Togo'.
I saw a traffic warden ahead of me, I knew within me our lane was going to be the next to be stopped, my guess was right. Once we were stopped, I grabbed my bag and the Olodo phone that had started all this nonsense talk, I got out of the keke, crossed over to the other side of the road without a second glance at them and started trekking home thinking to myself 'Omoh, to go school no be by force, Let me rest for today, lest someone else tries to use my head. I am my own boss, with his nonsense dress sense. Why didn't they stick to the old foreign goods 419 stunt, would have saved me a lot of time. Why do things like happening to me sef?'. I used my tongue to count my teeth just incase there was a different alien pair attached somewhere, I told myself I'm walking home, after all Abak road is not that far from IBB and a little stroll won't hurt nobody. I had not walked up to 5minutes when I finally gave in and stopped a keke. I made sure it was empty. To hell with 419ners. I'm not walking the walk.
Have a wonderful evening FAM.

About Yesterday: Boarding School Experience

I asked my little sister what her idea of fun is being that she attends a day school as opposed to me who attended a boarding school. My secondary school days were the best days of my life. Starting from my SSS1, It was always a case of one week, one trouble for me and my friends. If we were not getting into trouble, we knew someone who got into trouble because of us. But of all my escapades, one incident still remains evergreen in my memory.